Boy enters bar and sees girl. Boy likes girl. Boy wants to flirt, but his heart is in his throat.
Boy buys beverage, avoids girl and makes a beeline for his chums at the pool table faster than you can say "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
The No.1 mistake men and women make in the flirting game, says dating and relationship author and expert, is to not approach a love match when your heart and hormones are prompting.
That said, here are 12 effective rules of flirting for the flirtatiously challenged.
• Make an eye contact.
• Repeat the contact. Flirter should make three contacts with a flirtee in 45 minutes or less. Environment does not matter — restaurant, bookstore, nightclub—but tactic does.
The point of initial contact is to get noticed for the right reasons. A smile. Eye contact. A walk-by with a meaningful glance. The second contact involves an actual exchange of words, usually a brief comment or, if you are bold, a compliment. The third contact is a conversation and the "defining moment" in a flirting scenario. (Hint: If you do not start a conversation, how can you ask them out?)
The best way to start gabbing is by sliding into an already existing discussion. Eavesdrop. Do not be afraid to chime in on Oprah, Enron or origami. When in doubt, ask what they do for a living and appear to be interested.
And if sparks do not instantaneously ignite, never fear. "People meet someone and they expect instant chemistry.
Those feelings are chemical; it is nature's way of getting couples together. Do not write someone off if you are not immediately attracted to them. You could be passing up your soul mate," says an expert.
• Smile.
• Have fun. It is normal to be nervous.
• Compliment from the neck and up (Hint: "Nice buns" remarks do not make friends.)
• Compose "zingers," or nonsexual lines that induce blushing. For example, "What a fabulous tie. Can I wear it?", or "Would you mind if I flirted with you?"
• Do not force conversation too soon.
• Do not get "too deep" in subject matter.
• Do not use four letter words. Adjectives like nice, good and fine are not fine, good or nice. Try to use descriptive expressions, especially when complimenting ("That color makes your eyes sparkle" vs. "Great sweater.").
• Do not use negative humor or sexual comments.
• Do not offer to buy a drink.
• Do not practice "drive-by flirting." One contact is not enough. Follow through and make a date.
Remember, flirting is supposed to be fun and good love is a good thing. "It's not love that makes people unhappy; it's people that make themselves unhappy," says a therapist. "It's the expectation that someone should love you exactly the way you want to be loved that makes people unhappy. Ask for 100 percent of what you want 100 percent of the time, but do not always expect to get it. Be prepared to negotiate.
Read more...
10 Facts about Relationships
Every woman longs for a lasting, satisfying love relationship. But is it enough to long for it and lie in wait for that perfect love relationship .to come along? Of course not, you definitely have to do your move--go out and meet interesting people.
But if getting frustrated and confused after every date are what disappoint you, take heart, there still is a remedy to that. Apply the following relationship truths in your search for that to-die for lovelife:
1 Resolve past relationships. Until you do, you are not free to have future relationships, because those will continue to haunt you. Can't seem to meet the right person? More likely, you have an unresolved past relationships that are holding you back from attracting other people.
2 Do not be a desperate dater. With no one special in your heart at the moment, you feel empty. But trying desperately to find a mate by dating left and right will not make you feel any better. This will only make you even emptier. If you're desperately looking for a relationship with some part of your life on hold, forget it. People sense neediness and will tend to get away.
3 Be confident of who you are. You don't feel attractive enough because you think you're fat. Don't feel this way. True sexual intimacy has very little to do with how your body looks. It has everything to do with emotional intimacy and trust. No matter what your body shape and size, you can still be loved. People feel attracted to a wide range of body shapes and sizes.
4 Be yourself. Do not pretend to be what you are not. This will only complicate matters for you.
Pretending to be what you think others want you to be is a great disservice to yourself. You can not stay pretending all the time. Somehow, other people will see right through you.
5 Lay your cards on the table. Be honest to your prospective partner. Remember, a relationship with a foundation of dishonesty,
6 Don't be a people-pleaser. Being such is not an effective way to create good relationships. Worse, acting like you're always ready to do as they please, will only make other people think that it's okay to take advantage. Many women give too much to their prospective partners to entice them into a relationship. Know that people rarely stay in relationships because of what they can get from you.
7 Be who you are. Until you realize that a great relationship is created by who you are, you won't be successful in finding one. It is your most natural authentic self that will attract the relationship you want. And again, it is who you really are that will give you the power to shape a relationship to be infinitely fulfilling.
8 Love yourself. If you don't, no one else will. Nobody else but you can take care of your needs. People who look for P. relationship to fulfill needs and hopes are looking for heartache. Dating and relationships are not about fulfilling needs--that is what friends, family and you are for.
9 Think wisely. What people do to you is rarely about you and is almost always about them. So, don't take other people's actions personally. This is a profound truth because once you grasp it, your relationship will be transformed.
10 Do it the way you want it to be. This is your life and your relationship in progress. Resolve to start today to create your life the way you want it to be.
Read more...
But if getting frustrated and confused after every date are what disappoint you, take heart, there still is a remedy to that. Apply the following relationship truths in your search for that to-die for lovelife:
1 Resolve past relationships. Until you do, you are not free to have future relationships, because those will continue to haunt you. Can't seem to meet the right person? More likely, you have an unresolved past relationships that are holding you back from attracting other people.
2 Do not be a desperate dater. With no one special in your heart at the moment, you feel empty. But trying desperately to find a mate by dating left and right will not make you feel any better. This will only make you even emptier. If you're desperately looking for a relationship with some part of your life on hold, forget it. People sense neediness and will tend to get away.
3 Be confident of who you are. You don't feel attractive enough because you think you're fat. Don't feel this way. True sexual intimacy has very little to do with how your body looks. It has everything to do with emotional intimacy and trust. No matter what your body shape and size, you can still be loved. People feel attracted to a wide range of body shapes and sizes.
4 Be yourself. Do not pretend to be what you are not. This will only complicate matters for you.
Pretending to be what you think others want you to be is a great disservice to yourself. You can not stay pretending all the time. Somehow, other people will see right through you.
5 Lay your cards on the table. Be honest to your prospective partner. Remember, a relationship with a foundation of dishonesty,
6 Don't be a people-pleaser. Being such is not an effective way to create good relationships. Worse, acting like you're always ready to do as they please, will only make other people think that it's okay to take advantage. Many women give too much to their prospective partners to entice them into a relationship. Know that people rarely stay in relationships because of what they can get from you.
7 Be who you are. Until you realize that a great relationship is created by who you are, you won't be successful in finding one. It is your most natural authentic self that will attract the relationship you want. And again, it is who you really are that will give you the power to shape a relationship to be infinitely fulfilling.
8 Love yourself. If you don't, no one else will. Nobody else but you can take care of your needs. People who look for P. relationship to fulfill needs and hopes are looking for heartache. Dating and relationships are not about fulfilling needs--that is what friends, family and you are for.
9 Think wisely. What people do to you is rarely about you and is almost always about them. So, don't take other people's actions personally. This is a profound truth because once you grasp it, your relationship will be transformed.
10 Do it the way you want it to be. This is your life and your relationship in progress. Resolve to start today to create your life the way you want it to be.
Read more...
How to Overcome Excessive Jealousy
Everyone becomes jealous of others many times during their lives. It is only when jealousy becomes extreme that it is considered a problem.
No one who has experienced extreme jealousy needs to be told what it can do to a relationship. Whether you are the jealous partner, or are on the receiving end, jealousy can devastate a relationship.
The Power of Your Imagination
All jealousy is caused by an over-active and misused imagination. Creating scenarios in your mind of what your partner is thinking or doing is the perfect way to keep the jealous thoughts from your mind.
If you are the irrationally jealous type, you must gain control over the workings of your imagination so that it stops feeding you images that fuel your suspicions. Your partner will be astounded (and probably overjoyed!) at the new relaxed, realistic you.
Don't let it Ruin Your Life
Jealousy has many possible causes and being jealous does not make you less of a person. Everyone becomes jealous of others many times during their
The most common type of this problem is when one partner in a relationshyp beaomes insanely jealous of the other, often leading to abuse.
Tips for dealing with jealousy can include some of the following:
• Discuss the problem thoroughly with your partner.
• Reassure him or her that there is nothing to worry about.
• Be assertive, but not aggressive
• Do not panic.
• Watch what you say so as to avoid unnecessary conflict.
• Be fair.
• Be flexible and learn to compromise.
Understanding is a main part of dealing with a jealous partner. Try to understand his/ her feelings and do not try to make the partner feel guilty. Try to support your partner as best you can. Making temporary accommodations can often solve the problem completely and eradicate the jealousy.
However, if following these tips does not resolve the problem and the situation turns volatile, professional help may be needed.
Hypnotherapy is really effective in resolving issues of jealousy. Through relaxation and teaching techniques, a jealous rage that is about to come on may be quelled. Understanding that being jealous, all the time, is not normal is an integral part of the healing process. This understanding goes a long way to resolving relationship problems that are caused by irrational jealousy.
What Can You Do to Help Jealousy?
If you've ever suffered from an attack of the green- eyed monster, you've probably wished for some way to help jealousy. The best way to prevent jealousy is by cultivating a good relationship with your partner. But if it's too late for that and some damage has already been done, there are some things you can do to help ease your jealous pangs.
Many people find that when you feel jealous and your partner isn't doing anything obvious to cause it, you just have to tough it out. You have
to control your emotions, which can sometimes be very hard. Tell yourself you have no reason to be jealous and just let it go.
Most experts suggest that being open about your feelings is the best way to help jealousy. Use “I” words when talking to your partner. Say, “I feel” instead of “you make me feel”. This helps your partner to not feel threatened and attacked, and help make him or her more likely to be understanding of your feelings.
Working on your self-esteem is another way to help eliminate the tendency to be jealousy. Spend time doing things that make you feel good, such as bonding with friends, working on hobbies, and volunteer work. Focusing on things outside of yourself will give you less time to worry about other things.
Don't spend time torturing yourself with jealous fantasies. It serves no good purpose for you to spend time daydreaming about your partner with someone else. You might also consider talking to sympathetic friends or a therapist about your feelings.
Read more...
No one who has experienced extreme jealousy needs to be told what it can do to a relationship. Whether you are the jealous partner, or are on the receiving end, jealousy can devastate a relationship.
The Power of Your Imagination
All jealousy is caused by an over-active and misused imagination. Creating scenarios in your mind of what your partner is thinking or doing is the perfect way to keep the jealous thoughts from your mind.
If you are the irrationally jealous type, you must gain control over the workings of your imagination so that it stops feeding you images that fuel your suspicions. Your partner will be astounded (and probably overjoyed!) at the new relaxed, realistic you.
Don't let it Ruin Your Life
Jealousy has many possible causes and being jealous does not make you less of a person. Everyone becomes jealous of others many times during their
The most common type of this problem is when one partner in a relationshyp beaomes insanely jealous of the other, often leading to abuse.
Tips for dealing with jealousy can include some of the following:
• Discuss the problem thoroughly with your partner.
• Reassure him or her that there is nothing to worry about.
• Be assertive, but not aggressive
• Do not panic.
• Watch what you say so as to avoid unnecessary conflict.
• Be fair.
• Be flexible and learn to compromise.
Understanding is a main part of dealing with a jealous partner. Try to understand his/ her feelings and do not try to make the partner feel guilty. Try to support your partner as best you can. Making temporary accommodations can often solve the problem completely and eradicate the jealousy.
However, if following these tips does not resolve the problem and the situation turns volatile, professional help may be needed.
Hypnotherapy is really effective in resolving issues of jealousy. Through relaxation and teaching techniques, a jealous rage that is about to come on may be quelled. Understanding that being jealous, all the time, is not normal is an integral part of the healing process. This understanding goes a long way to resolving relationship problems that are caused by irrational jealousy.
What Can You Do to Help Jealousy?
If you've ever suffered from an attack of the green- eyed monster, you've probably wished for some way to help jealousy. The best way to prevent jealousy is by cultivating a good relationship with your partner. But if it's too late for that and some damage has already been done, there are some things you can do to help ease your jealous pangs.
Many people find that when you feel jealous and your partner isn't doing anything obvious to cause it, you just have to tough it out. You have
to control your emotions, which can sometimes be very hard. Tell yourself you have no reason to be jealous and just let it go.
Most experts suggest that being open about your feelings is the best way to help jealousy. Use “I” words when talking to your partner. Say, “I feel” instead of “you make me feel”. This helps your partner to not feel threatened and attacked, and help make him or her more likely to be understanding of your feelings.
Working on your self-esteem is another way to help eliminate the tendency to be jealousy. Spend time doing things that make you feel good, such as bonding with friends, working on hobbies, and volunteer work. Focusing on things outside of yourself will give you less time to worry about other things.
Don't spend time torturing yourself with jealous fantasies. It serves no good purpose for you to spend time daydreaming about your partner with someone else. You might also consider talking to sympathetic friends or a therapist about your feelings.
Read more...
How to Spot Mr. or Ms. Wrong
It's not just a bad date. It's so bad, it's a toxic date.
Don't worry, honey. You're not alone. Ina new online survey on "toxic dating," fully 35 percent of adult respondents say they have dated a "jerk," 33 percent have dated a "creep," and 18 percent have even dated a "witch." Overall, 21 percent of those surveyed have had dating experiences they describe as "toxic."
Getting involved with Mr. or Ms. Wrong is just too easy. According to a counselor, "There's this whole New Age thing going on that no one is to blame for anything. But the truth is that there are people out there in the dating pool who are toxic and who just should be yanked out of the dating game. It's best to just identify them and move on."
A substantial percentage of these undate-ables fall into the category of "toxic narcissists," says one therapist. These are people who are so self-focused and so self-absorbed, that they are essentially unable to relate to the needs of others in a dating situation, or even realize that those needs exist.
"These are people who feel the normal rules just don't apply to them," says one expert. Fully 35 percent of the surveyed said they had dated someone just like this.
Other Notables
• 55 percent have dated someone who lied to them.
• 49 percent have had their heart broken in a dating situation.
• 36 percent have been harmed emotionally by someone they dated.
• 25 percent have been harmed financially by someone they dated.
• 10 percent have been physically harmed by someone they dated.
"There's a world of hurt out there in the dating world for the unwary," says one adviser. "It's tempting to think that you can fix the bad personality traits of someone you are dating, but in certain extreme cases, the person is actually unfixable. In those situations, you are better off just learning how to identify these people, categorize what their problem is, and avoid them—focusing instead on the people you meet who offer meaningful relationship potential."
Here are 10 ways to help you identify Mr. or Ms. Wrong—that un-special someone who may be toxic to you. Ask yourself these questions:
1. Do you often feel as though you are doing most of the work to keep the relationship going and your partner happy?
2. Do you feel that nobody is thinking about you and what makes you happy?
3. Is your relationship completely organized around your partner's interests, schedules, and activities (or lack thereof)?
4. Do you feel controlled by your partner's up and down moods?
5. Do other people tell you that your partner is "difficult," "selfish," and "self-absorbed?"
6. Do you find yourself covering up for your partner's inappropriate behavior?
7. Is your partner making unilateral decisions that affect your life and well being?
8. Is your sense of safety and security regularly threatened by your partner's impulsive, selfish behavior?
9. Do you feel like a slave to your partner's ego?
10. Is everything always about your partner (with your needs and priorities obliterated)?
Read more...
Don't worry, honey. You're not alone. Ina new online survey on "toxic dating," fully 35 percent of adult respondents say they have dated a "jerk," 33 percent have dated a "creep," and 18 percent have even dated a "witch." Overall, 21 percent of those surveyed have had dating experiences they describe as "toxic."
Getting involved with Mr. or Ms. Wrong is just too easy. According to a counselor, "There's this whole New Age thing going on that no one is to blame for anything. But the truth is that there are people out there in the dating pool who are toxic and who just should be yanked out of the dating game. It's best to just identify them and move on."
A substantial percentage of these undate-ables fall into the category of "toxic narcissists," says one therapist. These are people who are so self-focused and so self-absorbed, that they are essentially unable to relate to the needs of others in a dating situation, or even realize that those needs exist.
"These are people who feel the normal rules just don't apply to them," says one expert. Fully 35 percent of the surveyed said they had dated someone just like this.
Other Notables
• 55 percent have dated someone who lied to them.
• 49 percent have had their heart broken in a dating situation.
• 36 percent have been harmed emotionally by someone they dated.
• 25 percent have been harmed financially by someone they dated.
• 10 percent have been physically harmed by someone they dated.
"There's a world of hurt out there in the dating world for the unwary," says one adviser. "It's tempting to think that you can fix the bad personality traits of someone you are dating, but in certain extreme cases, the person is actually unfixable. In those situations, you are better off just learning how to identify these people, categorize what their problem is, and avoid them—focusing instead on the people you meet who offer meaningful relationship potential."
Here are 10 ways to help you identify Mr. or Ms. Wrong—that un-special someone who may be toxic to you. Ask yourself these questions:
1. Do you often feel as though you are doing most of the work to keep the relationship going and your partner happy?
2. Do you feel that nobody is thinking about you and what makes you happy?
3. Is your relationship completely organized around your partner's interests, schedules, and activities (or lack thereof)?
4. Do you feel controlled by your partner's up and down moods?
5. Do other people tell you that your partner is "difficult," "selfish," and "self-absorbed?"
6. Do you find yourself covering up for your partner's inappropriate behavior?
7. Is your partner making unilateral decisions that affect your life and well being?
8. Is your sense of safety and security regularly threatened by your partner's impulsive, selfish behavior?
9. Do you feel like a slave to your partner's ego?
10. Is everything always about your partner (with your needs and priorities obliterated)?
Read more...
Holiday Survival Guide for Singletons
“I don't have a boyfriend ... yet." You reply to your monster Aunt Matilda's query during the annual family massacre, err, Christmas gathering.
"But why?" she sputters, her Tammy Faye Baker-eyelashes fluttering incredulously.
"I guess it’s not yet meant to be." you say, smiling sweetly though you have this image of yourself showing dynamite up her rectum. Then you turn away with as much grace as you can muster and head to the cocktail bar where you drown your sorrows in margaritas.
So here is another holiday season, and you are probably thinking about:
• how lonely you feel.
• who among your friends can accommodate you.
• how unfair it is that everyone else seems so happy and connected.
• how you will handle the office holiday party — single, take a friend, not attend, kill yourself.
• hiding out, alone, in your own home.
Cheer up, singleton. You've done it before; you can do it again — survive the holiday that is. Here is a holiday survival guide for singletons out there:
• Remember, your senses are bombarded from October to December with music, images and Hallmark verses depicting the "right" experiences and expressions for the season. Remind yourself, every day if necessary, that there's nothing wrong with being single. You have the same need and right to enjoy this season as any couple or family does. How you choose to do this is up to you.
• Don't make plans out of a sense of obligation. This is also your holiday season. Set limits, make good choices and enjoy. You may ask yourself: "Do I really want to go out?" If so, make your next question something like: "Does it sound like something I would enjoy or be interested in?" Or, "Will I have the opportunity to meet and mix with other singles?"
• Avoid unrealistic expectations from others, from yourself and from the holidays themselves. Relax, enjoy and do not expect so much that you will feel hurt or disappointed when things don't turn out just as you had imagined. This will defeat all the positive feelings and experiences gained.
• Make sure you give thanks for all the blessings you do have in your life. Focusing on what you do not have only encourages negative thoughts. Add a prayer of hope for the things you would like to work for in the coming year.
Read more...
"But why?" she sputters, her Tammy Faye Baker-eyelashes fluttering incredulously.
"I guess it’s not yet meant to be." you say, smiling sweetly though you have this image of yourself showing dynamite up her rectum. Then you turn away with as much grace as you can muster and head to the cocktail bar where you drown your sorrows in margaritas.
So here is another holiday season, and you are probably thinking about:
• how lonely you feel.
• who among your friends can accommodate you.
• how unfair it is that everyone else seems so happy and connected.
• how you will handle the office holiday party — single, take a friend, not attend, kill yourself.
• hiding out, alone, in your own home.
Cheer up, singleton. You've done it before; you can do it again — survive the holiday that is. Here is a holiday survival guide for singletons out there:
• Remember, your senses are bombarded from October to December with music, images and Hallmark verses depicting the "right" experiences and expressions for the season. Remind yourself, every day if necessary, that there's nothing wrong with being single. You have the same need and right to enjoy this season as any couple or family does. How you choose to do this is up to you.
• Don't make plans out of a sense of obligation. This is also your holiday season. Set limits, make good choices and enjoy. You may ask yourself: "Do I really want to go out?" If so, make your next question something like: "Does it sound like something I would enjoy or be interested in?" Or, "Will I have the opportunity to meet and mix with other singles?"
• Avoid unrealistic expectations from others, from yourself and from the holidays themselves. Relax, enjoy and do not expect so much that you will feel hurt or disappointed when things don't turn out just as you had imagined. This will defeat all the positive feelings and experiences gained.
• Make sure you give thanks for all the blessings you do have in your life. Focusing on what you do not have only encourages negative thoughts. Add a prayer of hope for the things you would like to work for in the coming year.
Read more...
7 Tips for Singles on Celebrating Holiday Season
This holiday season, you don't have to be blue even if you don't have a special someone to share with the celebration. Here are 7 tips for singles on celebrating holiday season.
• Don't overlook or overstay a good amount of time with relatives/friends. Sometimes a shorter stay works best and leaves you energy and space to get back to your own home and decompress.
• Look for ways to give to or do for others. Feeling useful and appreciated will provide a great boost to your holiday spirits. Check into volunteer opportunities at orphanages and homes for the elderly or through any local church or non-profit group.
• Don't plan to spend the entire holiday season with married/coupled family and friends. Seek out other singles and singles groups/activities where you can feel relaxed and able to share with folks you have more in common with at this time. Better yet, plan a get-together with other singles for one of the holidays. A festive potluck meal, tree-trimming party or other holiday event would probably be much appreciated.
• Do avoid using food, alcohol or drugs to cope with holiday stress. Nothing is worse than the feelings that follow the use (or wrong use) of these things. This way of coping leads to depression, low self-esteem and a greater sense of isolation and despair.
• Do decorate your home with any and all things that make it feel more festive and fun for YOU. Tune into all those wonderful traditions you grew up with. It does not have to be very costly or time consuming to begin your own traditions in your own place. Don't put off or deny yourself those happy holiday expressions, as you wait for your significant other. Make your life all it can be right now.
• Consider emphasizing the more spiritual aspects of the holiday. Go to a concert featuring religious holiday music or attend a church (or other) service (even better with a friend).
• Finally, going away to an exotic place may be just what you do need. Look into tour or vacation packages for singles. This may provide plenty of rest and relaxation and help you meet new friends and develop new interests.
Whatever you decide to do for your holidays, have fun and enjoy them. Focus on taking care of yourself and doing what is right for you. This way you will also be giving your best to those around you. Happy Holidays!
Read more...
• Don't overlook or overstay a good amount of time with relatives/friends. Sometimes a shorter stay works best and leaves you energy and space to get back to your own home and decompress.
• Look for ways to give to or do for others. Feeling useful and appreciated will provide a great boost to your holiday spirits. Check into volunteer opportunities at orphanages and homes for the elderly or through any local church or non-profit group.
• Don't plan to spend the entire holiday season with married/coupled family and friends. Seek out other singles and singles groups/activities where you can feel relaxed and able to share with folks you have more in common with at this time. Better yet, plan a get-together with other singles for one of the holidays. A festive potluck meal, tree-trimming party or other holiday event would probably be much appreciated.
• Do avoid using food, alcohol or drugs to cope with holiday stress. Nothing is worse than the feelings that follow the use (or wrong use) of these things. This way of coping leads to depression, low self-esteem and a greater sense of isolation and despair.
• Do decorate your home with any and all things that make it feel more festive and fun for YOU. Tune into all those wonderful traditions you grew up with. It does not have to be very costly or time consuming to begin your own traditions in your own place. Don't put off or deny yourself those happy holiday expressions, as you wait for your significant other. Make your life all it can be right now.
• Consider emphasizing the more spiritual aspects of the holiday. Go to a concert featuring religious holiday music or attend a church (or other) service (even better with a friend).
• Finally, going away to an exotic place may be just what you do need. Look into tour or vacation packages for singles. This may provide plenty of rest and relaxation and help you meet new friends and develop new interests.
Whatever you decide to do for your holidays, have fun and enjoy them. Focus on taking care of yourself and doing what is right for you. This way you will also be giving your best to those around you. Happy Holidays!
Read more...
5 Tips on Preventing Holiday Break-ups
I don't know which is worse: spending the holidays as a single, lonely Bridget Jones-type gal or breaking up with a significant other and greeting the New Year as a single, lonely Bridget Jones-type gal. Same difference, eh?
Whatever. But it is a fact that while December is one of the man-vest times in a year. it is also a period when many relationships disintegrate.
Why? You ask. Here is an analysis as to why and how one can avoid running into disaster in the relationship department this holiday season.
1. Communication breakdowns - Unfulfilled expectations and poor communication account for much of the seasonal increase in relationships problems. Throughout the year, people are busy pursuing their daily activities. But because they lack effective communication skills, they end up living past one another — each in their own world, building differing expectations of their life and relationships.
2. Why do so many problems arise over the holiday season? - There are two main reasons for this occurring. First, each person's expectations have been building throughout the year. Secondly, because the end of the year is such a significant event, each will also have their own expectations of what the holidays will mean for them. Then, when couples or families start spending more time with each other, the pressure of all the undelivered communication builds up and expectations are suddenly not met. Since the necessary skills to communicate properly are missing, the frequent results are arguments and break-ups. Without these skills, it is also so much more difficult to build bridges again, and so the break-up are more likely to remain permanent.
3. How can we learn to avoid this pattern? - Most people have only a vague idea of what they really want, so we first of all need to be honest with ourselves and decide what we really want. What are our hopes and dreams? Are they realistically achievable, or are they pie in the sky? Once we are clear on these, have we communicated them?
Here are five steps for helping improve communication and learning to build bridges:
1. Always be honest. Speak the truth — even if it is not what others may wish to hear.
2. Avoid blame. Just state the facts as you perceive them to be, while avoiding using language or tone of voice to blame or to score points.
3. Take responsibility for your part in what is happening. What is your role in creating the current situation — both past and present? We all have a part to play in whatever is happening in our lives.
4. Do not assume that you will be understood. We tend to think that whatever we say is always clear and obvious, but other people don't see things the same way as we do. So make allowances for everybody's limitations — both our limitations of statement, as well as their limitations in hearing.
5. Learn how to listen. Since true communication is always plagued by difficulties in the way we express ourselves, as well as how we perceive, it is easy to see how important it is for us to learn how to listen properly. Total listening means paying full and complete attention to everything the other is saying, their choice of words, body language, being aware of their emotional state, where they are coming from and why.
Only by listening in this way can we start to make true communication a reality and build happier and more fulfilling relationships.
Read more...
Whatever. But it is a fact that while December is one of the man-vest times in a year. it is also a period when many relationships disintegrate.
Why? You ask. Here is an analysis as to why and how one can avoid running into disaster in the relationship department this holiday season.
1. Communication breakdowns - Unfulfilled expectations and poor communication account for much of the seasonal increase in relationships problems. Throughout the year, people are busy pursuing their daily activities. But because they lack effective communication skills, they end up living past one another — each in their own world, building differing expectations of their life and relationships.
2. Why do so many problems arise over the holiday season? - There are two main reasons for this occurring. First, each person's expectations have been building throughout the year. Secondly, because the end of the year is such a significant event, each will also have their own expectations of what the holidays will mean for them. Then, when couples or families start spending more time with each other, the pressure of all the undelivered communication builds up and expectations are suddenly not met. Since the necessary skills to communicate properly are missing, the frequent results are arguments and break-ups. Without these skills, it is also so much more difficult to build bridges again, and so the break-up are more likely to remain permanent.
3. How can we learn to avoid this pattern? - Most people have only a vague idea of what they really want, so we first of all need to be honest with ourselves and decide what we really want. What are our hopes and dreams? Are they realistically achievable, or are they pie in the sky? Once we are clear on these, have we communicated them?
Here are five steps for helping improve communication and learning to build bridges:
1. Always be honest. Speak the truth — even if it is not what others may wish to hear.
2. Avoid blame. Just state the facts as you perceive them to be, while avoiding using language or tone of voice to blame or to score points.
3. Take responsibility for your part in what is happening. What is your role in creating the current situation — both past and present? We all have a part to play in whatever is happening in our lives.
4. Do not assume that you will be understood. We tend to think that whatever we say is always clear and obvious, but other people don't see things the same way as we do. So make allowances for everybody's limitations — both our limitations of statement, as well as their limitations in hearing.
5. Learn how to listen. Since true communication is always plagued by difficulties in the way we express ourselves, as well as how we perceive, it is easy to see how important it is for us to learn how to listen properly. Total listening means paying full and complete attention to everything the other is saying, their choice of words, body language, being aware of their emotional state, where they are coming from and why.
Only by listening in this way can we start to make true communication a reality and build happier and more fulfilling relationships.
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